Do you want to see my pine-ness?

This morning Shara got out of the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to see her pine-ness. I asked her to repeat herself and she did, saying the same thing. I asked her what that was and she pointed to her vagina. I then asked her who told her that and she said, "daddy". I then had to explain to her that boys and men had penises and we had vaginas. She said, "oh yeah".

Marshfield Fair 09

Yesterday we went to the fair. We all left arguing and Shara was crying - translation: so much fun it tuckered us out and we were tired & cranky. Shara went on her first rollercoaster, saw just hatched chickens, timber wolves, a bear, a mountain lion, falcons & hawks, owls, and of course, lots of bunnies. We had ice cream, lemon ice, lemonade, hot dogs, awesome falafal (please falafal man, come back next year!), and I now know where to go for strawberry shortcake, assuming the bakery stand there next year. The wrestling lead to a lot of questions, and Alan was supposed to show Shara how to wrestle today, but that didn't happen. I'm guessing she forgot because it was a conversation that happened on the way home, after the fight over the ice cream cone that culminated with the ice cream cone practically exploding in my hand, while I was driving, of course!

The other cool thing(s) that happened yesterday was Shara seeing two friends from her school. The first spotting was at the market and the second at the fair. This was a great thing and showed her that we still live in the area and we will see people from her school out and about. We also ended up sitting at the Incan musicians in the row in front of our next door neighbors! Unfortunately, we didn't run into Amy, so I'm guessing you didn't end up going Sat. night?

Bubbe & papa came today to spend some time with Shara. Between that and the fair yesterday, we have a very over-excited (hyper) child who only stopped talking when she fell asleep!

Last Day of Kindercare

Well this was Shara's last day of kindercare, after 5 years! It was sad for me as well as her, but also a lot of fun. "My last day was so much fun. It was nice they had the party for Caroline & my last day" or something like that. It was actually the end of summer bash and they had a water slide (that she climbed up but went down the stairs - too high), moon bounce (that was fun), a picnic with Burger King and got a toy car from GI Joe! Last night Shara signed her cards and today gave them out. She got to bring 2 friends with her to give the plants - she picked Jessie & Julia. Caroline also brought in some treats for her friends on her last day. Alan & I both picked Shara up, cleaned out her cubby, gave some hugs and gave lots of thanks. Luckily I have "friended" one of the staff, so we won't loose touch and we also have several emails from parents, so play dates will need to be scheduled.

Tonight Shara got a bit upset. She mentioned that she couldn't wait to see the magician. Then quickly said, "oh yeah, I don't go to that school anymore" and started to cry. (As I'm trying not to do now). She asked if we could still go and I told her probably not, but bubbe would take her to the library, and they could go to the playground at her new school, and shopping. Basically telling her how much fun she was going to have. She said she wants to go to school with all her friends. I know once she gets to kindergarten, she'll know a couple of the kids and have a great time, but for now, she's feeling a lot of different emotions. I'm just glad we're able to talk about it together.

Scary Time & Garden of Goodies

As the NP told me as quickly as she could on the phone today (or should I now say yesterday), this is good news. Just wanted to share the story for any of you who may have to go through the same thing. From what I learned, with the new imaging many people get biopsys these days.

I've been pushing Alan to do more for Shara lately. Not that he doesn't already, but just a few things here and there because of the little scare I am now over. I had a mammogram that showed calcifications that were suspicious. Since this was my first mammogram, and these hadn't been seen before, I had to have a biopsy. The whole process took six weeks. Lots of time to think about a whole range of things.

When I went for the first mammogram, I assumed it would be fine. Then was startled when I got a letter only 2 days later. I knew it was not good news. They wanted another with the radiologist. So that happened pretty quickly - about a week later. The radiologist had no bedside manner and wouldn't explain anything after she said she wants me to have a biopsy. I asked her if she thought it could be cancer and she said, "I'm very suspicious" and basically left the room. I got a call later that evening from my doctor who wasn't able to tell me anything more. This was on a Friday. I had the weekend to decide where I was going to go for the biopsy. My doctor mentioned they do good work at South Shore hospital so that sounded fine until I started thinking if this is cancer, I want to be at the best place and that's Boston. I did more research and saw that South Shore is affiliated with Dana Farber, so decided that was fine. Then learned that if I went to Boston it would be six weeks to have the biopsy vs. two weeks at SSH.

I was supposed to receive a call from my doctor's office first thing Monday morning to make the appointment. When I didn't hear anything by 10 AM, I called them. Then the person who handles that was busy and they like to have a couple of people answering phones so they'll call me back when the third person comes in. I called back at 11 AM and asked for the person and she gave me the info on where to call, etc. So I got my appointment first for a consultation. That happened a week later.

I had to pick up my films before the appointment, read them and did some research. My research told me that I had between a 10% - 50% change of having cancer. That's a big range and I was starting to plan the worse case scenario, just to be prepared. The consultant, an NP, was fantastic. I felt rather relieved after talking with her. She put me more at a 20% chance and said even if it was malignant, it was fully curable. That was reasuring. She explained the type of biopsy they'd be doing - a Stereotactic biopsy. This would just use a local and I could even drive home afterward. She also gave me the fullest breast exam I've ever had in my life. So the next day I got a call from the hospital to schedule my biopsy. I didn't even negotiate - just said okay to the time they gave me, which happened to be over two weeks later.

I received lots of instructions about what not to take - blook thinners, multi-vitamins, etc. and to wear a front closure bra that is a little big because I'd be putting ice packs in it for the ride home. Lovely. So I bought my granny bra, stopped taking my vitamins, made sure to only take Tylenol and as the time went by I started getting worried again. It's not just worried but more like the future is so unknown it's hard to proceed. I did make plans but everytime I did, I wondered if I'd actually be able to make it.

So the big day arrived and I was petrified. I hate hospitals. If there was no risk in delivering at home, I would have had a home delivery. So I didn't want anyone to go with me. Then did want someone but realized that any possible girlfriends worked, or weren't really close enough to me, and I didn't want to have Alan go with me. He just doesn't gab enough about silly things and that was what I was needing. I went alone and it actually was ok. I even ran into parents from the daycare and talked to them for a bit.

A little while after I checked in, Cindy came to get me. She was the nurse that would be with me throughout the procedure. I was put in an exam? room and after I put on the johnny, just the top, I sat in the chair I practically became one with. Cindy asked me if I knew which breast they'd be biopsying and I said the right. She said they just want to make sure I knew which one and then she marked it with a purple X. I was very conscious of which one because I'd be damned if they were going to do the wrong one! Then she told me that she'd be staying with me the whole time and then the doctor came in and she explained the whole procedure to me. They were going to put me in the mammogram machine and take some pictures to show where the calcifications were located. Then they'd numb me. That may sting a bit (it didn't). Then they'd insert the needle, take about 11-13 samples, check the samples, and if they got enough calcification samples, take some more pictures. Then they'd get me out of the machine, lay me back, stop the bleeding with pressure, and then tape the wound up. Then I'd go have two more mammograms. Believe it or not, I was out of there in about an hour. It seemed like so much longer.

She did say that I would need to stay as still as I could. I asked if that meant as still as a statue or exactly what. She said not to twist because if my breast got out of position they wouldn't have the right location for the samples. That may have been the worse part. I felt like I couldn't take a full breath and actually saw a few stars at first and made myself breath deeper. Luckily Cindy was there most of the time chatting with me, keeping me looking away from the action. When they first started, the doctor said that she'd be telling me what was happening and I told her she really didn't have to but said yes, she had to because she didn't want me to move. Then when they put in the needle they held me because it made a noise and they didn't want me to jump. All of this was forwarned so there were no surprises. She did have to go and get more samples because she wasn't satisfied with the ones she got.

When the actual procedure was over, they removed me from the machine, said, "you may not want to look at this", layed me back and Cindy put pressure on the wound for ten minutes. The doctor didn't think the bleeding would stop enough for me to get the mammagrams, but it did and I didn't have to make yet another appointment. She said there was a lot of surface bleeding, but not really any inside. Ok, so bleeding under control and now I got my things and we went next door to another room with a mammogram machine. Not sure the big difference between the two, but didn't ask. At this point I was cursing myself for not having Alan drive me because I was so exhausted I was about to fall asleep. The new room was much cooler and that woke me up a bit and I had the pictures, got the pressure dressing put on the wound, got instructions on what to do - ice on for 10 min. / off for 10. Can take Tylenol, no asprin. Take dressing off after 24 hours. No getting wet for 24 hours - sorry folks at work. Hope I wasn't too stinky the next day! And no lifting more than 5lbs. for 48 hours. For that I had warned Shara about this.

I told her that I was going to the doctor for a test and I couldn't pick her up and later told her she had to be careful near this area (and showed her where not to touch). She didn't want to see the bandage, but wasn't freaked out at all. I had told her it would be like when daddy had his procedure and we couldn't sit on him for a few days. She got all upset and said, "you mean I can't hug you?" So I reassured her that yes, hugs were great, tried not to cry too, and she was fine.

I didn't even take any Tylenol but was good about icing it - didn't hurt that it was 90 degrees outside and almost as hot inside. I was exhausted and stomach upset from nerves. I was able to pick Shara up from school but asked Alan to come home early so we could both take her to the library for the summer reading program. I wouldn't have been able to do it - let alone carry the books, etc., but I wanted her to see that I was ok.

When telling people about the biopsy I said that I'd rather have had a root canal and that's true. I'm so relieved that it's over. I didn't want to have to go and get surgery, be in the hospital, etc. not to mention how difficult it would have been on Alan & Shara. I never (almost) had the thought that I would die and attribute that to the great work so many people have done on behalf of Breast Cancer awareness and research. Ten years ago it may have been a different story. So I still have my tape strips on and think I may have to pull them off tomorrow, which I don't want to do. That kind of thing scares me. Wonder where Shara gets it from! But I will and it will be fine.

On a happier note:
Shara's been enjoying picking from the garden and really likes eating in the garden. Jill told me Liz & Sam were the same way - just go and pick a bean and eat it. Well she seems to like her veggies that way - once they're cooked, forget it. Raw beans, sugar snaps, tomatoes (of course). She ate at least 1.5 cups of tomato/mozzarella salad the other day. It was so good. Didn't like the cucumbers though - I thought they needed to be left on the vine longer, they were a little bitter.

Today Shara went bowling with school and got to ride in a big, yellow school bus again. From her description, it sounds like they went duckpin bowling. Completely foreign to me, but Alan used to play when he was a kid.

Great Fun Exercising

The other night after dinner, Shara & I took a walk that turned into a jog/walk. It was great. We played simon says and she was quite speedy. I told her that if she wanted to walk with me, she had to walk quick because I was walking for exercise and she really did. Yesterday when we got home I had a tough time figuring out how to go in the pool with Shara and get dinner on the table before she got cranky. I did as many people do and had Alan order delivery while Shara & I went swimming. He also made salads so it wasn't a completely non-nutritional dinner. Tonight we all went for a walk. Shara wanted to go for her "two stroller walk". That's when she sits in her stroller and pushes baby bella in bella's stroller. Shara kept asking for us to go faster, so we ended up jogging about 1/2 of the walk. Then when she commented that it wasn't a very long walk, we talked about how jogging makes the walk go by much quicker than walking. I'm sure she would have termed it "fastly". Similar to "ablely".

The Actress

We've been dealing with a screaming Shara for almost 2 hours now - on and off - all fake. Alan even said, "stop yelling or I'll give you something to yell about." while he was giving her a bath. It all started when she came in for supper and didn't like what I made - leftover NY Strip steak, bbq sauce, cheddar cheese, & stir-fry veggie wrap. Delicious, but saw it wasn't so easy to eat so got up and got her mac & cheese. After learning she couldn't make it herself, started to whine, scream & complain for about 2 hours, finally ending with me taking out the veggies and her eating the steak & cheese and tomatoes (from the garden). Then she was allowed to have mac & cheese.

Up until the screaming we were having a lot of fun. Played in the pool - wanted to do that rather than go to library. Then dinner ruined everything - or rather I did. "You never make anything good to eat. You never let me have what I want to eat. Your cooking is terrible." Lovely!

Oh, yesterday while driving home from Oma & Jidor's, Shara asked, "how did I come out of your tummy?" Stalling, I asked what exactly she meant. And she meant what she asked, like did she get cut out, is there a hole? I proceeded to tell just enough, and hopefully not too much more. I told her that she didn't really come out of my tummy, but more down near where she pees. Big surprised expression to that one! And I also said that our bodies are amazing and change as we get older and it's really cool how that happens. Then Alan starts telling me (with Shara in the car of course) about lab animals and two got pregnant and they weren't even... That's when I shut him up because I was really happy not to have to go into the whole deal of needing two people to make a baby and not just spontaneously one appears when you want one and are a certain age, which is what she thinks now!